So this was more of a FU that happened quite a while ago which only just caught up to me a few weeks ago, so also not today.
About 11 months ago I moved into a new house as a temporary sort of thing until I could get the money together to sort something out properly, I was hoping to have already moved out by this point. On my second day after I’d finished unpacking I decided to break the house in with a nice acid trip, I’d brought some with me that I’d recently bought but not had the chance to use yet.

Stuck between I need to save money

Things were going well with the trip but then it seemed to be getting really intense and I quickly realised that the tabs were much stronger than I had been told they were, and I thought being locked up in the unfamiliar house wasn’t helping me relax. So I figured the best thing to do to relax would be to go for a stroll because I was starting to get pretty overwhelmed at that point.
So I left the house to start my walk and my next door neighbour happened to be just arriving at the same time. It’s a street of tightly packed terraced houses so next door’s door is about one meter away from mine. I’d not met anybody on my street yet and didn’t realise this was a friendly tight-knit community where people talk to each other. She said something along the lines of “hello nice to meet you, my name’s (her name), are you new to the area?”
So basically I do this thing sometimes when people try to sell me things on the street etc where I pretend I can’t speak English. I remember a few words from my GCSE French so I just say some nonsense sentences and then people usually leave me alone. In the state I was in this conversation seemed like it would be way too intense for me and French just sort of came to me as my default response to the situation. My exact words were “je voudrais une boulangerie” (one of my favourite lines to use) and I shrugged my shoulders a bit with a weak smile. She pretty much just left me to it after that and I got on my way. I did my walk and got home about two hours later, I was tripping majorly so the walk ended up taking a lot longer than it needed to. When I got home though my next door neighbour was stood in her doorway talking to another neighbour who was stood outside. I tried to keep my head down because I couldn’t handle any more human interaction but she waved at me and said “bonjour”, so I instinctively returned the bonjour and got inside my house as fast as possible. Stuck between I need to save money and I need to go to Sweden When I got in I started freaking out straight away because I realised that I’d just become French and now two of the neighbours think I can’t speak any English. The next day when I woke up I realised the best thing I could do (as an Englishman) was just live with the lie for the rest of my short stay in this house to avoid the excruciating embarrassment of having pretended to be French for seemingly no reason.

Stuck between I need to save money and I need to go to Sweden

Fast forward 10 months, I still live here, and at this point I’m in DEEP. My life on this street is a web of lies. I’ve perfected my French accent and over the course of 10 months French Me has learnt a decent amount of English so he can hold disjointed conversation. I’d gotten to know the neighbours pretty well and I was the nice quirky French guy on the street. I didn’t let the lie slip ever, because every day and every conversation I had just meant that it would be even worse if anyone ever discovered I wasn’t French. Stuck between I need to save money and I need to go to Sweden If I had friends come over (I don’t have many so it wasn’t too bad) they knew to never speak to the neighbours because of my strange situation. Most of them found it amusing, at least.
Things were going okay and I wasn’t too worried about being exposed anymore because I’d gotten so used to it. I’m not home that much and when I am I rarely leave the house for any reason so I only had to do it for maybe 5 minutes a day when I was out on my street. If anything it was a nice way to spice up my day when I got to take on my French persona. French Me somehow had much better social skills than the real me, even if his English was a bit limited.
But then there was the day it all came crashing down. I was walking to my car and saw one of the neighbours coming towards me from the opposite direction with someone else next to her I didn’t recognise. She stopped to say hi, as she normally does, and then she says to her friend “this is f7tj78, the guy I was telling you about”. You might be able to see where this is going.
Her friend hits me with a question in French that I didn’t understand a word of, and I knew he was actually French straight away because his accent was way better than mine. I didn’t know what to do and I just froze. Every second that went past just made it so much more painful and after way too long of a pause I just decided I had to come clean. I told her I wasn’t actually French and couldn’t speak French and then I tried to play it off like some kind of practical joke I’d been doing on everyone. Nobody was buying that. I fast walked straight to my car and then let the embarrassment just swallow me for a while.

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